


I'm Not Ready (Let Us Be Brave)

by magnuspr1m3



Series: Marvel Oneshots [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sad Ending, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers-centric, Tony Stark Has Issues, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:57:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6992425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnuspr1m3/pseuds/magnuspr1m3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve slipped down the hallway quietly, already having received confirmation from JARVIS that Tony was in his room. It seemed that their friends were all in their respective rooms, likely getting ready for the party later that day, so he did not really need to be so cautious. It was just a force of habit by this point in time. Spending a year dating Tony Stark in secret would likely cause anyone to pick up odd habits. Granted, no one had reason to be suspicious of them; Pepper had been kind enough to offer to be Tony’s beard until they were ready to be public. Not that Steve was not. He had been ready since the beginning. Tony was the one so against the idea, not him. But, either way people still thought Tony and Pepper were together. And no one knew of Steve and Tony’s relationship except for them.</p><p>Maybe that was a problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Ready (Let Us Be Brave)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I know you all likely saw in the tags that there are mentions of abuse in here. None of it is sexual, and the emotional abuse is not directly shown, but I felt it was necessary to mention it. Also, this is a part of a series of stories. There are two prequels, and a sequel. I hope you all enjoy this.

Steve slipped down the hallway quietly, already having received confirmation from JARVIS that Tony was in his room. It seemed that their friends were all in their respective rooms, likely getting ready for the party later that day, so he did not really need to be so cautious. It was just a force of habit by this point in time. Spending a year dating Tony Stark in secret would likely cause anyone to pick up odd habits. Granted, no one had reason to be suspicious of them; Pepper had been kind enough to offer to be Tony’s beard until they were ready to be public. Not that Steve was not. He had been ready since the beginning. Tony was the one so against the idea, not him. But, either way people still thought Tony and Pepper were together. And no one knew of Steve and Tony’s relationship except for them.

They all knew he had security access to Tony’s room. All of the Avengers (except Barton, because Tony enjoyed making him crawl through the vents to get in) had access. So, when he walked right into the room, no one would have thought anything of it. If they had then seen how Tony practically pounced on Steve once the door shut, gripping his face firmly in his hands and kissing him almost desperately, they would have been found out. If they saw the way Steve turned them, pinned Tony to the wall and kissed him until both of them could barely breathe, they would have been found out. No one saw their wandering hands, though. No one heard the pants or moans as they came together desperately, like it was their last chance. It was always that way with them. Desperate and needy, like one of them would be gone at a moment’s notice. They crashed against each other, like waves on a cliffside, over and over again. This was how they were.

When Steve could finally think again, resting against the headboard of Tony’s bed with the genius at his side, he remembered exactly why he had come here in the first place. “Happy Anniversary.” He said in a soft tone, kissing Tony’s forehead and earning a light smack from the engineer at the gesture. There was a slight tugging at the sides of Tony’s mouth, though, a barely there sign that he did not really care. “Well, official anniversary, anyway. If you count the time before I came back… Well, we’ve been together closer to two years then.”

“That’s a pretty long time,” Tony agreed, stretching some. Steve could not help but stare at him. Tony was not extremely muscular, but he was enough so that Steve always got a little bit of a show when the engineer stretched. It was nice. “And it just so happened to be the same night as our party. Isn’t that a coincidence.”

Of course. Steve snorted as Tony moved to get up and get dressed again. “I’m sure it is. A complete coincidence. So, it’ll be a coincidence if we tell our friends tonight, right? I mean, it’ll be something else to celebrate, right?” Steve prodded, watching Tony closely. The man tensed just barely for a moment, but Steve caught it before he relaxed. He readied himself for the no, and the fight he knew would come after. It always ended in a fight with them. Always.

"I'm not ready.”

The answer was soft, and somehow also startling. Tony did not do soft and timid. Tony was boisterous and loud and stubborn. Never did he sound unsure about anything that came out of his mouth. Yet, those simple three words were the softest and the most unsure he had heard Tony ever say, aside from the Mandarin incident. And that was a very brief moment of weakness that was gone before it could even be noticed. This moment was not over. Tony stood there, shoulders slumped and back turned as he buttoned his shirt up. He was hiding himself.

“Hey.” He stood to go to Tony. The shorter man turned to him, shirt half undone and eyes almost frightened. This was not his Tony. “Hey.” He repeated, resting a hand on Tony’s shoulder. “What’s wrong? If- if you don’t want to, I get it. I can wait, Tony.” And he could. He could wait for a long time, if need be.

It was frightening to realize that Steve was willing to wait forever for this man. That fear and love settled in his gut together as Tony slipped from beneath his hand. This was it. He braced himself for the shouting and the painful words. Felt his shoulders instinctively go back and squaring, as if fists would actually go flying. They never did, though. Tony just tucked himself against Steve’s side, one hand gently clutching his shirt; probably worried about wrinkling it. Tony was oddly thoughtful about the most random things, the immaterial things. Things that would never matter as much as the genius man staying in Steve’s arms.

“I’m just not ready, Steve. Not yet,” came Tony’s whispered answer.

And that was fine with Steve. That was perfectly fine.

.   .   .

This was not how the night was meant to go. There was still adrenaline rushing through his veins, heart rate a bit too high. He could not shake the image of Tony leaping onto the bot’s back, and then falling to the ground. If it had not been for all that had been going on, Steve would have rushed to his side; Tony’s heart was still delicate from the arc reactor and shrapnel. He could have been hurt. But Tony was no worse for wear, thankfully. Although, if the venomous looks were anything to go by, he may not be for long. Even Steve was pissed. How could the other think it was wise to just make a murder bot, as Dr. Banner so eloquently put it?

Everyone was bickering and shouting at Tony, Thor going so far as to hoist the other up by his throat. Steve had nearly launched himself at the other, anger welling up suddenly when he saw the slight panic in Tony’s eyes. He kept his voice calm, though. It was amazing how easily Tony compartmentalized everything.

That was, until Tony was no longer compartmentalizing. Until Tony was talking about fighting something bigger, saving the world from something huge. The impossible. How were they supposed to do that? Steve answered quickly and easily with one word.

“Together.”

Tony came back with a soft, “We’ll lose.” It nearly broke Steve’s heart, seeing that despair in Tony’s eyes. What had the engineering so worried about them dying? This vision that enhanced girl apparently showed him of this theoretical end. There was no way that it could be true. It was all just magic.

Steve kept his stance firm, but his voice gentle as he answered. “Then we’ll do that together, too.”

And if Tony’s sour expression bothered him at all after that, well, it was not like he was the only one in the room upset with his boyfriend at the moment. Not that anyone knew it was his boyfriend, of course. No one outside of Tony. Which meant that Steve could not rush to the other to reassure him, had to leave Tony to stew about this all. He had to leave him to his thoughts, which as they had all seen, was never a good thing.

He waited around for a long time, for Bruce to get tired and need sleep while Tony tried desperately to salvage Jarvis. It was not going well, if the colorful language was anything to go by. When Bruce slipped out, Steve took a brief look around, ensuring no one was near by. Then, he slipped over to Tony’s side, resting a soft hand on his shoulder as the engineer sat at a chair, shoulders slumped and head hung dejectedly. He rubbed his thumb gently into tensed muscles, watching Tony relax just a bit.

“I’m sorry about Jarvis,” he said softly.

Tony’s shoulders tremble a bit, biting his lip. He nodded, and Steve’s heart broke for the man. Jarvis had always been very important to Tony, a sort of link to one of the few good things from his childhood. “Like you said, he was the first line of defense. Of course Ultron took him out.” His shoulders sagged more somehow. “Just… how did it happen? Bruce and I had gotten nowhere in the 3 days we had been running tests, and suddenly, when we are gone, it works? What changed?”

Steve offered an extremely unhelpful shrug, kneeling down beside Tony so they were eye level. “I don’t know. But, I do know that we are going to get Ultron. And we’ll get revenge for Jarvis.” They could not bring him back, unfortunately, but Steve was sure the engineer knew that.

Tony nodded. “Yeah. We’ll take him down. It’s what we do, right?” And he gave Steve the tiniest of smiles. Steve just nodded, smiling right back.

.   .   .

The battle with Ultron and the enhanced had not gone even slightly in their favor. That girl was… something else. Poor Bruce had not said a word since he had shrunk down. Natasha was almost as quiet. Thor just looked haunted. And him?

God, Steve did not know what to do. Peggy, his dear, sweet Peggy, dancing with him at last. But, it had not been peaceful. There was so much going on around him, yet so little at the same time. “We can go home,” she had said. “Imagine it.”

The scary thing? When he closed his eyes and imagined home, it was not back in the forties with her, like it once had been. It was here, with Tony and his team. This was his home now. These people were his family. He belonged here, not back then.

Clint flew for hours, to who knew where. A safe house, was the only answer he ever gave. Steve just waited until he finally landed the quinjet in the woods by a farmhouse. It took some coaxing to finally get Bruce to stand up from his seat, stumbling sleepily off the quinjet and wrapping his arms tightly around himself. Steve watched him sadly, looking to his side when he felt someone nudge him.

“You okay?” Tony asked softly, looking mildly concerned. His hand lingered on Steve’s arm a bit long, but Steve said nothing. Steve offered him a tiny, forced smile and nodded. Steve was not okay, but he would not tell Tony that. The engineer had enough to worry about already. He would not add to it. 

They all followed Clint into the farmhouse, Natasha leaning on him for support some. It looked oddly homey, certainly not what Steve expected of an old SHIELD safe house. All of the ones he had visited before were simply bunkers in the ground of the side of a hill, and had maybe a bed, a shower, and a toilet. Sometimes food. But they were never like this. Hell, there were little kids’ toys strewn about the floor. The place almost seemed lived in.

“Honey? I’m home.” Clint called, releasing Nat and moving into what was obviously the living room. They followed him, Tony sticking a bit closer to Steve than he usually might. It was comforting.

Until his boyfriend suddenly grabbed on tightly to his bicep when Coulson rounded the corner and kissed Clint.

“Agent?” Tony, of course, was the one to break the silence around them all. Last they had heard, Coulson was dead. They all went to his memorial service. Steve had even signed those cards to be buried with him. “He’s obviously a really good holographic projection.”

Coulson offered them all a kind smile. “This isn’t the Starship Enterprise, Stark.” He wrapped an arm around Clint, the archer doing the same. And it almost surprised Steve how relaxed they both look with each other. He had not known Coulson for long, but Tony had mentioned a Cellist. Steve almost felt bad assuming it had been a girl the whole time.

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but there was the sudden sound of pounding feet and a delighted squeal of “daddy!” from the staircase. Clint moved almost as if on instinct, kneeling down at just the right time to nearly get tackled by a little blonde girl.

“Hey, sweetheart!” He greeted, holding her close and standing. Then came a boy, probably close to his early teens, and Clint ruffled his hair with one hand. “How’s it goin’, Cooper?”

“Daddy, did you bring Auntie Nat?” The little girl asked, and suddenly Tony’s grip was tighter, because that meant Natasha had known. She had known and not told them.

Natasha moved forward some at that, her voice coming out surprisingly even when she could barely get a word out earlier. “Why don’t you come hug her and find out?”

“Fury helped us set this up,” Clint began to explain, slipping away from Coulson now with a gentle squeeze of his hand. It was odd for Steve to watch. He was waiting for the cameramen to appear, and tell him all of this had been an elaborate prank. That everything that he had experienced since waking up was just a joke, or he was still in the ice, and this was all a dream.

The tight squeeze of Tony’s hand on his arm was proof enough, though, that this was very real. God, Clint had been lying to them all.

And then Thor was storming off and Tony was rushing upstairs after Steve had tried to stop Thor, and everything was falling apart before him. His team was starting to fray at the torn edges, and he feared for their future, especially with secrets like _this_. He feared for their future, for whatever came from Ultron and those enhanced kids. He was starting to doubt if they would all make it to the other side of this one.

.   .   .

“I don’t trust a man who doesn’t have a dark side.” Tony said, leveling Steve with a look as he chopped at the wood. Like he was challenging Steve in a way. Which was stupid for more reasons than one.

“Let’s say you just haven’t seen it yet.” His voice was dark, just like his expression. He was sick and tired of this, of Tony being constantly stand-offish with him. It was like he could do nothing right when it came to the engineer.

No matter how he tried to comfort the engineer, it was not enough. _Steve_ was not enough, and he was at his wit’s end with all of this; with the arguing, the nit picking, and how he always seemed to be egging Steve on. Steve did his best not to rise to that obvious challenge that always lingered beneath the surface. He wanted to, of course he did, but he would never harm Tony, because that is what it would inevitably come to. He had seen the effects of abuse in many relationships around him back in his time. He doubted that had changed much over the years. If anything, the ways abuse could occur had likely broadened.

(Was this abuse? How Tony treated? Part of him said yes, but the rest of him insisted that no, Tony was just stressed. This was not abuse, because Steve was perfectly fine.)

Thankfully, Coulson broke them up, sending Tony off on what had likely been deemed an impossible task to fix their tractor. It left them on their own, Coulson slipping his hands in his pockets as Steve continued to cut wood.

“Never expected you and Stark, of all people,” The agent said suddenly, and Steve actually dropped his ax, looking wide-eyed at Coulson. The man wore a small smirk, one brow raised. “It’s obvious, really. Saw it the moment you two came in.”

Steve shook his head, wanting to get rid of this idea before Coulson told Tony about this. God, Tony would blame it on him. He would leave him. “No. Why would you think that?” He answered quickly, amazed at how level he kept his voice. Natasha would be proud. “Don’t know if you saw that, but Tony and I aren’t exactly getting along recently.”

The man rolled his eyes, frowning. “Captain, if-“

“Steve. Call me Steve. I feel you earned that right after Loki.” He cut him off, trying to derail the conversation he knew was about to happen. He was not going to do this. Not right now.

Steve’s saving grace came in the form of Clint, Cooper, and Lila. The little girl came running out with the other two in tow, frowning. “Papa! Cooper said I can’t hang out with him and daddy. Tell him he can’t hog daddy! I wanna see him, too.” She rambled all this out as Phil picked her up, brushing hair from her face and kissing her forehead.

“It’s fine, baby. How about you help me make dinner, okay? I think Cooper and daddy are just working on the porch anyway.” The man says, carrying the girl away and back into the house, leaving Steve to the wood piles and his anxiety.

God, how had his life come to this?

.   .   .

“No way we all get through this,” Tony mumbled to him, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “If even one tin soldier is left standing, we’ve lost. There’s gonna be blood on the floor.” There was a looming good bye in that, and it frightened them both. But Steve knew Tony needed his strength. So he was strong.

“I’ve got no plans tomorrow night.” He offered Tony the smallest of grins, but it did not seem to help much.

“I get first crack at the big guy.” Tony stated, expression saddening some as he shuffled and look down. He sighed, looking like there was so much more he wanted to say. Tony continued, “Iron Man’s the one he’s waiting for.” Steve nearly surged forward at that in protest, because he knew exactly how that sounded. Tony wanted to lessen the number of lives that would end, and in doing so, give his own. Steve would not allow it. He could not. He opened his mouth to protest when Vision strolled by.

“That’s true. He hates you the most.” The android kept going, rolling his eyes. Tony stayed still, expression almost confused. It was actually kind of funny, watching the two interact. Steve was reminded of Tony and JARVIS’ interactions from before; even as a simple AI, JARVIS had matched Tony quip for quip. Now was no different. If anything, he was more creative.

He leaned forward to grip Tony’s shoulder, squeezing firmly and lingering for the briefest of moments. “Get the suit. We’ve got a job to do.”

.   .   .

They were all standing there, circled up and ready to fight for their lives. This could very well be it for all of them. The last time they fought together, or saw each other. They could die today. But, as Natasha had said, it was not every day that he got a view like this.

His was not the clouds, though. It was Tony, faceplate up and looking a bit winded but still extremely determined. He was rattling off battle plans to the team, explaining just how desperately they needed to protect the core. If Ultron got to it, the whole world would suffer, and not just the civilians still on board the bit of Sokovia in the sky. Tony was in his element. Steve swore under his breath, just loud enough to catch the engineer’s attention. He yanked his cowl off as Tony went to say something, charging towards him and grabbing him by the back of his head. He tilted his head just right to slot their mouths together and not get a black eye from the suit, and kissed Tony like it would be his last time. Because quite honestly, it could be. And there was still so much he needed to tell him, so many things he had wanted to do with him. The last few days had been hell for them, and he had considered walking away more than once. But the determination and utter selflessness he saw in Tony reminded him of why he had fallen for him in the first place.

Steve heard Clint wolf whistle off to the side and Pietro mutter to Wanda about some bet. He actually pulled away to laugh when Vision simply said, “This has been going on for over a year now. Trust me, this is decency for these two.” And god, he had been JARVIS, so of course he had seen them in some very… Compromising situations. Steve actually blushed.

“Uh, you said you didn’t trust someone without a dark side.” Steve muttered quickly to a mildly stunned Tony. “But I do. I have a dark side. I have fears and regrets, and my biggest fear is not crashing into that ice.” He stopped himself, listening to the approaching pounding footsteps. “If I hadn’t, if I had lived a life back then with Peggy… I would have never found you. Perhaps as a sort of nephew, but never as this. I’d go back and do that a thousand times, just to meet you again. What I saw was a life with her, and that terrified me. Because of you.” It was terribly mushy and sudden, but it was true. He had made his peace with that fact, and prayed that Tony would not hate him too much for it.

Tony pushed away from him before Steve could say anything else, facemask falling down into place as he moved to stand back with everyone else. He looked back over to Steve for just one moment. “I saw you die. And you told me I could have done more. So I did.” And that was explanation enough for this whole fiasco. He had never bothered to ask Tony what he saw, aside from “the end”. It had never crossed his mind that his death had been one of the ones that spurred this all into action.

He moved to reach for the other again, to pull him in and comfort him, but was stopped when Clint called out, “Here they come, lovebirds! Get ready!”

There was no time now to make sure his love was alright. They had to fight now, fight for their lives, and the safety of the entire world once more. After, though, when they made it out of this, because they always did, he would sit down with Tony them. Apologize for outing them so suddenly, and hope to repair all of this. He loved Tony. And Tony loved him. They would salvage their relationship. They had to.

.   .   .

The debriefing following the disintegration of Sokovia took several hours. It was odd, really, debriefing to Fury again. It had been so long since they had all sat at that round table, rambling off information. Tony sat across the table, just out of reach. No matter how much Steve wanted to reach out, to hold him close and just bask in that fact that Tony had _lived_. The death of Pietro had put things in perspective suddenly, had reminded Steve that there could very well be a time that one or both of them did not make.

Just like in the vision that Wanda showed Tony.

Steve could not get to Tony quick enough when the debriefing was over, surging up and out of his seat and to the other and just wrapping him up in his arms. He pressed his nose into his hair, not caring one bit about the slight dampnesss of sweat to it. Tony was alive. That is all that mattered to Steve. That and the slow but firm wrap of the other’s arms around his torso and under his arms, hands coming up to grip the fabric of his shirt. There was a quiver to the man against him, a tell-tale shudder of tears. Stress tears, Tony would have insisted. Tears for the kid that had been lost today, saving one of them.

“Get a room, you two.” Rhodey teased weakly, looking absolutely exhausted where he stood behind Tony. He walked forward slowly, patting Tony between his shoulder blades. The genius did not even move a bit from Steve’s hold, just pressed closer. “I’m happy for you, man. Glad I don’t have to pretend to be clueless around everyone else anymore.”

Steve was too shocked by that to pay attention to the muffled, “fuck off,” from Tony. Had Tony told Rhodey? The man had known about them? Why did that surprise Steve so much? Rhodey gently pat Steve’s shoulder as he finally left the room, leaving Steve and Tony alone.

There were a few silent moments of Tony huddled against Steve, before the man was shoving him away suddenly. Steve stumbled back a few steps, not expecting it. He raised a brow, staring at Tony in confusion. There was rage in those lovely brown eyes, rage and tears. “Tony-“ he started to say, reaching for him. He was cut off by a sharp, stinging pain on his cheek.

Steve just blinked, completely dumbfounded by this. Tony could not have possibly – _no._ Yet, he stood before him, one hand raised and chest heaving. Steve just stared at him, and watched realization wash over Tony. He watched as those furious brown eyes grew wide and fearful, saw guilt and anguish pool in them. Tony slowly lowered his hand, thing shaking the whole way. Tony _hit_ him. Oh god.

“Y-you had _no right_ ,” His boyfriend (or ex, Steve was not sure after that) stammered, hands clenching at his sides. “To just _out me_ like you did. No right. Y-you knew I did not want that!”

Steve could not hold back the bitter laugh, one hand rubbing at his cheek. “No right? Out you? Tony, we could have died. I’m sorry I did it how I did, but I won’t take it back. Never. They all had basically assumed we were together, if what any of them said was anything to go by.” Which was actually pretty laughable in the end. They had thought they were so good at keeping it a secret, but god, they had been so wrong.

“That doesn’t change shit!” Tony snapped, squaring his shoulders some. “I-I-“

“You what, Tony? Weren’t ready?” And it is out before Steve can stop it, but he instantly regrets as Tony stumbled back then, as if he had been smacked. He blinked up at Steve, shaking his head.

“I thought you understood.” His voice was barely above a whisper, feet stepping back more now, quicker. He was turning before Steve could stop him, rushing away. Running away, from this, from Steve. Just like he always did when things in their relationship did not go his way. Steve took one step to follow him before he stopped. Maybe he should let him go.

Maybe it was just time to finally let Tony go, and move on. His love and acceptance was apparently not enough for Tony to be fine with having just their friends know about them. And he deserved better than this. He knew he did, although his heart screamed at him that there was not better than this.

With a heavy heart, he slipped away to his temporary quarters on the helicarrier, dragging his feet some. There, he picked up his phone, plugged in some head phones, and just listened to music. Shuffle was not his side, though, all of the songs it played about failed romances. It hurt, and as Steve curled up in the small bed and clenched his eyes shut, he finally just let it out. No matter how tightly he kept his eyes shut, the tears still came, the sobs still shook his body with the force of an earthquake. The tears streamed down his face, just coming and coming for what felt like ages. It only got worse when he heard a few lines from one song, making his heart constrict in his chest.

_Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry_

_Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why…_  

And Steve just listened to the lyrics, letting the woman’s voice wash over him as he sobbed in earnest now. He could not do this to himself anymore, or to Tony. It just hurt. He just hurt, and he wanted it to stop. She was right. Sometimes love is not enough.

He felt that may be the case for them. And that realization just made him sob even harder.

.   .   .

They walked slowly to Tony’s car, a decent amount of distance between them. He wanted so desperately to just reach out and twine their fingers together, bridging that seemingly endless space. _It’s just a few inches, Rogers. Stay strong._ He thought. It was his decision to call it quits. He had to remind himself that he had been the one to end it, and for good reasons. There were too many secrets between them. Sometimes love just was not enough.

“I’m gonna miss you, Tony.” It slipped out before he could stop it, and he wanted to smack himself. It was alright, though. He was allowed to state the truth. There was nothing wrong with that.

Tony offered him a sad smile when they reached the car, stopping at the door and not yet getting in. “I’m gonna miss you, too.” Tony said, eyes devoid of that bright sparkle Steve loved so much. The brown was dull, and looked as empty as his heart felt. “Y’know, I was thinking of taking a page out of the Barton play book. Get a little farm out in the middle of nowhere. Settling down. Maybe getting a dog, or a surrogate…” Tony trailed off, looking to Steve in that desperate manner he only ever did when he was drunk.

And it almost got to him. Tony sounded so hopeful that Steve could not help but imagine it; them in their own little farmhouse like Clint and Coulson, with _kids_. It was everything he had hoped for before. Steve could not waiver, though. Even if it seemed honest, he had to remain firm. “I’m sure Miss Potts will love it.”

“You know damn well I wasn’t talking about Pep,” Tony said quickly, expression souring in moments. Steve told himself that was a sign that it was too good to be true. This was the Tony he knew. His Tony was standoff-ish and quick to act. His Tony did not show affection, or suggest it outside of sex. “Is this it then?”

He nodded, “It is. Hell, our friends only just found out about us. And not because you wanted them to. I remember just how upset you were with me about that after the battle. You _smacked me_ , Tony.” Steve sighed, trying to push the rising anger away with it. He did not need to get wound up. He would not let Tony get to him. “You did not want to be open about being with me, so I’m done. I don’t deserve this. You know that.”

“I wasn’t ready for it, Steve. You know that. It was never you,” Tony insisted. “It was me.”

“And you’re ready for it now?”

Tony did not even hesitate. “Yes. One hundred percent.”

God, he said it with so much conviction that Steve wanted to believe him. He wanted to just give in, to settle down. He had a fleeting thought of Tony, reading to a little boy that looked just like him, but smiled so sweetly you could see Steve in him. _He wanted that._ He wanted that happy ending with Tony. But, he had to remind himself of that line he heard in that song: sometimes love is not enough. So, to keep from doing something he may grow to regret, he did the only thing he could.

“You chose a damn good time to decide to be brave.” He did not intend to sound so bitter, but he did. Perhaps it would help solidify his point for Tony. He walked away then, and he did not look back. “Good bye, Tony.” He said softly as he heard the slamming of the Audi’s door and rush of air as the car sped off. They were done. He was done.

His shoulders shook as he entered the compound, head hung low. This is what he had wanted, was it not? To not have to be a secret anymore, no matter what. He refused to continue to live like he had for the past year or so. He had to care for his one well-being for once. He had to.

Selflessness had gotten him stuck in the future in the first place, after all.

(Had he not said a couple months ago that this was what he wanted? The future? With Tony? He had just turned it down.)

“You’re making a huge mistake, Cap.” Natasha’s voice was surprisingly soft, exhausted even. It had been a rough couple months for her. And here she was, still stepping in to right him as he tried desperately not to just start crying. Just like Peggy would have.

He rubbed at his eyes, sucking in a small breath. “Don’t you think I know that?” And it hurt just how broken his voice sounded, how broken he felt saying that out loud. It had been his choice to end it. His choice. Because even when Tony had been upset at him for just suddenly outing them to the team, he had never once suggested calling it quits. Ever. “I lost him.”

“No. You gave him up. Just like everyone else he has been with. You gave up on him.” And of course Natasha had a point; she had known Tony for much longer, had seen his many relationships go up in flames. It was really surprising that Tony and Pepper were still friends with how their own relationship had ended. Not because of Tony, but because Pepper could not take it.

He left for the same reason. Love or not, he left because he could not take it. But, it was not really the secretive part anymore – that hatchet was buried already. It was how Tony had lashed out at him, had _hit_ him. It was because of how every single time they argued, Tony went straight for the low blows. Suddenly, the argument would not be about how Tony had not flushed the toilet, but about how Steve was overbearing and a jackass apparently. He would not put himself through any more of that.

Natasha leveled him with a look as he just stared, processing this and trying to get at exactly what she was saying. “You two were always obvious. We knew from the beginning. Why do you think Clint put you two in the same room? Now, go and get him. We like you two better together than apart.”

“He left, Nat. I can’t. He’s gone.” Tony had sped off without even so much as a good bye, and if Steve knew Tony, which he liked to think he had, Tony was miles from here by now. Steve could run, far and fast, but Tony drove sports cars with high performance engines, and he had a few minutes head start. Steve honestly was not sure he even wanted to go after the other. Natasha had only known them as a couple for a brief period of time. She had only seen that one kiss, and Steve just holding Tony on the helicarrier. She had seen nothing else, because since that? There was _nothing else_. True, Steve loved Tony, and he had been very, very depressed after that incident. But he was not only depressed. He was pissed. It had taken quite a lot of will power to not lash out at the other, and Steve was amazed he had that. Tony had been pushing him for months, hell, and their whole relationship even, now that Steve actually stood back and looked at it.

He had been abused. Emotionally, mostly. He had been abused and hidden, and he was tired of it. He would not hurt anymore, no matter how much he loved Tony. Sometimes love is not enough, he thought to himself, giving a firm shake of his head and wiping tears from his face. “No.” He answered, voice not nearly as shaky as he expected it to be. Natasha looked ready to say something, but just studied him for a long moment before nodding. Natasha was smart. He did not doubt that she probably knew their whole story from that one look. “I deserve better. And I’ve got recruits to train. How’re they looking?”

And she was quickly rattling off facts and stats, giving himself something else to focus on. Giving him purpose. He nodded when necessary, following her to the training room where their four newest Avengers waited. He stood firm, shoulders back. This was his team now. And he would gladly throw his all into leading them, because they deserved his best.

And maybe Steve was really at his best without Tony. It had been so long since he had been without him. Only time would tell.


End file.
